I have been banned from running until my injured back is healed. Thus in order to maintain my fitness levels ahead of the marathon I have for the first time in months put on a swimming costume in order to exercise rather than bronze. In so doing I have realised that I really, really hate swimming. I hate it because:
1. It's not running.
2. There are slow people in the fast lane. (They are usually men, usually over 50; often with tufty ears. They are impervious to being lapped regularly. They are wondering why the club allows ladies to use the facilities.)
3. There are slow people in the medium lane. (They are usually women, usually having a chat with another slow person at the end of the lane. They are impervious to hard stares.)
4. You never know when the person 20 yards in front of you will stop to clear their nose.
5. I am 40 years old and I still can't do front crawl.
6. It's not running.
7. All the men in the jacuzzi are unable to hide the fact that they're checking out every woman who walks past.
8. All the men in the steam room are unable to hide the fact that they're checking out every woman who walks past.
9. It takes 45 minutes and 89 laps to complete a mile, instead of 9 minutes in a straight line on green grass in fresh air.
10. I always end up with goggle marks/Wurzel Gummidge hair/chlorine burps.
11. There is always someone swimming back stroke and presuming the rest of us will get out of their way.
12. No matter what you do, you will smell of chlorine two days and three showers afterwards.
14. It's not running.
15. It's not running.
16. It's not ...